Happy Birthday Baby. Gifts Not to Get Your Wife, EVER!

Well, my beautiful wife's birthday is just around the corner. I never know what to get her on any gift giving occassion. Sure if I were a wealthy man diamonds would be a sure fire hit. But alas, this is not the case. Having spent the last 12 years not sure what to get her... let me just share with you the things I should not have given her:

Tools - I know, now it seems like a bad idea, but in my defense that is all she complained about "not being able to find a tool in the house" so I in my infinete wisdom actually thought it was a very nice gesture to set about getting her a nice set of tools complete with a full compliment of screwdrivers, wrenches and what not and a little tool box just for her. Well XXX wrong answer. I guess getting ones wife tools for Christmas is a dick thing to do. I though I was being practical and observant to a need she had, she saw it as me giving her tools. Well that one was my fault, my guys mind didn't allow me to see through the fog of the obvious, I blew that one I suppose.

Clothes that aren't sexy- never get your wife clothing for everyday use such as sweats, socks, panties that aren't thong or any pants whatsoever. Basically by getting your wife clothing that isn't deemed "bedroom use" is a sign to her that you think she's fat or that your not attracted enough to her to by her sexy frilly things. Again this was not the case. I clearly remember her ranting one day about having nothing comfortable to wear. With this stored back in my gift shopping memory bank, such an occassion came along where a gift needed purchasing. So, hmmm, what to get... right something comfortable to wear right? Wrong! She open the packages, inspected their contents, placed the items back in the box, replaced the top. She looked at me and said thank you, immediately following the genuine feeling "thank you" was an inquiry as to where I purchased these great gifts. Yeah, she's taking them back. So if its not sexy, let her buy it herself. If she has nothing comfortable to wear you can simply offer one of your old T-shirts......

Cooking Stuff - While the occassional cuttlery set or blender is acceptable, don't allow the hole gift giving event completely revolve around cooking. My side- my wife was always unhappy not having nice service equipment when company came over, not having nice pots and pans to cook with and so on. I decided to buy these such items all at once. Well It seems that buying your wife a whole bunch of cooking shit and having her open it up in front of the family during an otherwise enjoyable birthday party basically translates to one thing for your wife, that being.... So, thanks for the cooking stuff, I'm so glad that your entire family now thinks that I didn't cook for you. My mother was practicularly shaking her head in disgust as she opened each gift as if to say "my poor starving boy". Now of course this isn't exactly as bad as it sounds. I eat very well now..... Just kidding dear... well no, I do eat and enjoy your meals... I didn't mean. Whatever.

Well I'm sure there are other dumbassed gifts I have given, but just remember dear..... I've given you the best gift of all... Me.

But seriously, happy birthday and as always my gifts always reek with good intentions.